Supporting Tweens and Teens During Times of Isolation

Good Morning Parents,

I was grateful this week for a little bit of snow on the ground and the hope of a fun outdoor winter season ahead, but I do recognize that we continue to live in a time of great uncertainty and challenge and that nothing is guaranteed.  Though we have hopes for things to return back to normal, only time will tell how and when this will happen.  Like you, your kids are dreaming of normality and of returning to school someday without masks, rows, and limits around socializing.  They are looking forward to inviting friends to birthday parties and movie outings.  They are looking forward to hearing the crowd cheer at a sporting event or the school play, and they are looking forward to fun times spent with families that are far apart.  

Unfortunately, these "normal" gatherings and special events are not our reality right now, and as adults, there is a very real struggle to continue to figure out how to best support our kids through this time.  It's easy to only focus on this moment and worry about all the ways our kids might be falling behind or losing ground.   I urge you, however, to think about how you frame this time for yourself.  Think about a time in your history or your family's history where things were extremely challenging.  How did that shape you as a person, how did it shape your family, and what were the outcomes for the community?  

I remember a story my grandmother told often when she was alive.  She had just started courting my grandfather in 1937 and as they made plans to marry, WWII broke out in 1939.  My grandparents had to put their plans on hold, and my gentle, quiet grandfather went off to be a war clerk in France, and my grandmother who was a natural caregiver and homemaker, moved to Connecticut to work in a munitions factory which manufactured bullets for the war effort.  While on leave in 1943 my grandparents married here in VT but were not able to start making a home together until the war ended in 1945.  As a child, I remember clearly the telling and retelling of this story, and I remember how my grandmother always described it as a difficult and trying time, but also one that grounded the many years they would spend together as a couple in the belief that they could survive difficult things and be stronger for them in the end.  That time of war, separation, and challenge gave my grandparents the knowledge and experience to survive in times of struggle.  

Reflect on this story or a similar story that has been passed down within your own family.  In doing so, recognize that it was a time of growth and learning.  Now think about this time period and the opportunity we have to reframe it as one where we are learning lessons about how to not only survive - but thrive -  in positive ways.  I believe that through times of challenge there are opportunities to learn skills like positive communication, growth mindset, cultivating gratitude, growing grit, seeking support, mindful practice, cultivating healthy habits, boundary setting, and making positive connections.  

Let's look at each of these areas a little more closely and think about what resources we can use to promote skill-building.  

Positive Communication Skills

We can help kids improve their communication skills by modeling for them.  Are we addressing problems, feelings, and stressful situations calmly, respectfully, and rationally?  Are we addressing problems with those that are directly involved, or are we talking to everyone else about issues that don't pertain to them?  Are we trying to see the whole picture, understanding that there are always two sides to every story and two perspectives to every issue?  If we can model these skills, our kids will take cues from us and learn to be better communicators as well.  

We can also look for opportunities to open the door to communication by asking open-ended questions with kids.  For example, "this issue seems important to you, I want to know more about what you think." Or, "I heard you and your friends talking about...what did you think about what they were saying?"  These opportunities are ripe for mico-conversations in place of "big talks" that we plan and might otherwise script.  Similarly, if you hear or see something in the media that is thought-provoking or could be a teachable moment, take the opportunity to ask your child about it.  It's never too early to have tough conversations with kids.  You just have to keep them developmentally appropriate and follow your child's lead.  If they shut you down, don't push too much, just remind them that you are always willing to discuss anything your kids have questions about.  Make sure they know they can come to you first!  

Growth Mindset

Having a growth mindset means using challenges and failures as opportunities for growth and learning.  A simple way of thinking about a growth mindset is to add the word YET to the end of a negative thought.  I can't do this...YET.  I am not sure I understand...YET.  It helps one to shift their thinking from a fixed negative belief about who they are to one of possibility and growth.    Helping kids cultivate a growth mindset is as easy as learning about what it means and encouraging one to reframe their thinking.  In her article entitled, 25 Ways to Develop a Growth Mindset, Sarah Briggs, outlines many ways in which we can cultivate a Growth Mindset.  We do this by helping kids acknowledge and accept imperfections, view challenges as opportunities, try different ways of learning, reframe "failure" as an attempt in learning, emphasize process and growth instead of the end results, and take healthy risks (InformED).  

Growing Grit

Grit is the ability to persevere when things are tough.  It is a component of having a growth mindset because, as we mentioned, having a growth mindset includes being able to say I am not able to do this yet, but I am willing to stick with it and keep trying until I get better.  Kids need this valuable skill to be successful in adulthood.  Life will present challenges that are necessary for learning and growth.  If what kids learn to do is give up or wait for mom and dad to fix it, they may struggle as adults to secure jobs, pay bills, and manage interpersonal relationships.  

Sometimes grit, and not intelligence, is the determining factor in one's academic success (Clear).  Helping our kids grow grit is as easy as not letting them give up on things that don't pose any real risk to them.  For example, if your child decides to learn the guitar, but struggles through the first few lessons, don't simply give them permission to quit.  Make them keep at it for a while.  With anything kids decide to do, have the conversation ahead of time about what the learning curve might look like, and agree to give it a go for a season, a semester, a summer, or a school year - whatever period of time works for your family -  and then stick to it.  When we push beyond our comfort zones and take safe and healthy risks, we experience real learning.  

Cultivating Gratitude

It is well established that those who regularly practice gratitude - keeping a journal or a family gratitude jar - have better overall health outcomes.  These people experience more positive emotions, better sleep, are kinder and more compassionate towards others, have fewer physical symptoms of stress, and have healthier immune systems (Carpenter).  Typically we think about being grateful for the big things like our home, food, or job.  But learning to cultivate gratitude is also about recognizing the small things that keep us going each day - like a good book, a funny movie, or a friend that listens.  You and your family can practice gratitude by creating a Gratitude Jar for your home.  Encourage your family members to add to the jar when they think of something they are grateful for.   Sit down and read what you are grateful for at the end of each month, season, or year.  This will provide insight into what is important to your kids and will help encourage conversation and communication.       

Seeking Support

This is another area where we can model for our kids.  If you are struggling, don't be afraid to reach out to a professional through your local 211, county mental health service provider, private practice, or faith-based leader.  Seeking support during times of mental or emotional upheaval shows strength, not weakness.  Set that tone for your kids.  It's okay to ask for help.  It's okay to share your feelings and your fears, and it's okay to let a trusted adult know that you are struggling.  When we encourage kids to discuss their feelings and emotions with trusted adults and support networks, the more insightful they become.  They become better problem solvers, feel less stress, and experience less anxiety.  Also, remember to watch your language and refrain from calling people "crazy" or "mental."  This sends a subtle message to your child that mental health struggles are something to be ashamed of or should be hidden.  

Mindful Practice

Being mindful is simply the practice of staying in the present moment.  It's about not letting our worries about the past or our fears about the future put us into a state of anxiety.  I often remind kids to not time travel.  The past is the past, leave it there and instead focus on how you can improve your future in the now.  In the same way, it never pays to get caught on the "What-if Train."  What if's can take you down a steep winding track in a hurry.  Instead, focus on the now.  What's going well, and what strengths and successes I can build on - reframe and think about what you are learning.  Being mindful can include meditation, but it can also include simply being mindful while walking in nature, eating a good meal, or laying down to rest at the end of the day.  Check out this video with your kids to learn more about mindfulness.  

Cultivating Healthy Habits

Eating well, moving your body each day, and getting enough restorative sleep each night are essential components of an emotionally and physically healthy individual. However, I think that these components are the hardest to manage for our kids because they are part of a healthy lifestyle that we take for granted.  As humans, we tend to manage these in the background after everything else.  We grab unhealthy snacks and eat on the go, and unless team sports are happening, exercise often becomes secondary, especially when we are already overscheduled.   It's also pretty easy to get sucked into devices and screens when we should be winding down and drifting to sleep as the sun goes down.  A way to create healthy habits in this realm is to have a family meeting to discuss goals around wellness - maybe sign up for a 5K together or get a family membership to a gym.  Get creative about meal planning, shopping, and cooking with kids to encourage better nutrition.  Set limits on screen time for both adults and kids and discuss keeping sleeping zones as device-free zones.  Write down your decisions and post them so everyone remembers the expectations and is motivated to follow them.      

Boundary Setting

Boundary setting is another subject that could be discussed at a family meeting.  There are two types of boundaries families need to consider.  One is how and when to say no.  It's tempting to want to do it all - multiple sports teams, dance classes, piano lessons, and school work too, but all this can be super overwhelming to kids even when they love each element individually.  It's hard to say no to things, especially as kids get older and have been invested in many exploratory opportunities early on.  Think about limiting kids to one or two activities each.  Encourage kids to try different sports within different seasons and be careful about specializing in any one activity too early (sports) as you don't want to create overuse injuries and burn out.    

Another kind of important boundary setting is around your family's morals and values.  Collectively, what do you stand for as a family?  How do you expect your child to behave and conduct themselves in public?  What is important to you as parents that you want to pass along to your kids?  At the very least, having discussions about kindness, respect for others, and safe boundaries around substances, and other risky situations will help your child be better prepared for the tricky social, moral, and ethical decisions that will arise as they gain greater independence in their teen years.   

Making Positive Connections

Helping your kids to make healthy and positive connections with other adults in your community is also a key in preventing isolation in teens.  As much as we hope our kids will come to us with every problem that they have, it's not often the reality.  Figure out who else you want your kids to connect with and help strengthen those relationships.  Maybe it's a religious leader, a grandparent, or an aunt or uncle.  Maybe it's your best friend or their best friend's parent.  Maybe it's a teacher, or counselor, or neighbor.  If your child is lucky, it will be all of these.  Adding layers of positive connections is a huge protective factor in your child's long-term success.  The more adults they can choose from, the more likely they are to find one that fits their needs at any given time.  Also have conversations with these adults about non-negotiables - the things you absolutely need them to share with you if it comes up in conversation - but also encourage them to respect your child's decision making and confidentiality if they go to someone else other than you with a smaller worry or day to day emotional need.   

This is a long list of hopes around skills for success during this difficult and most challenging time of isolation and change.  Please, parents, give yourself a break!  None of us are going to be able to put all of these on the front burner all of the time.  Keep in mind that our overall goal to reframe this time as one where we can indeed learn, grow, and build skills.  Focus on a couple of these that matter most to your and your kids and help them build resilience in these areas.  Help them to see what they are made of.  Help kids prove to themselves that they can do hard things and manage hard times.  

As always, if you have questions or need support for your child, please reach out to me or another support person in your network.  I can be reached at CBMS at 244-6100 or on my direct line at 583-8071 or via email at jhempey@huusd.org.  You can also check out my school website for additional links to resources or to access information about the local counselors and mental health agencies in Washington county.  

I salute you all for the hard work you are doing in supporting your children during this time.  Together we'll get through this.  

Be Well,

Jen Hempey, School Counselor