After School Restraint Collapse

Does this story sound familiar?  It's a normal weekday, and you send your child, off to school feeling emotionally ready for the day.  The day rolls along and somewhere between 3:30 and 4:00 you reconnect with your child and they have mysteriously turned into a grumpy mess.  They might glare at you when you speak to them, maybe cry about things that happened at school, or even have a big meltdown about something that should be pretty routine such as completing homework, getting ready for a sports practice, or managing a household chore.  You wonder... "what did they do to my child all day at school that seemingly turned them into a less capable version of who I know them to be?"  

Or maybe this version sounds familiar?  You are a parent who hears from teachers during conferences and family events that your child is doing well in school - a good listener who completes work, is kind to peers, and is a capable communicator.  Again, you wonder, are they talking about the same child I have to drag out of bed on weekday mornings?  The one who complains about school before they leave and then tells me how boring school is when we discuss it at the dinner table?  Are they talking about the same child who doesn't listen when I ask them to pick up dirty socks from the floor or complete a shared chore?  The same one who constantly needles their siblings?  You might think, "I can't believe they are talking about the same child who seemingly only knows how to grunt and yell when you look at them cross-eyed!"

When you witness the struggles your kiddo is having at home after-school, you might consider whether or not they are experiencing what some folks have dubbed after-school restraint collapse.  This is basically a fancy term that conveys the idea that kiddos work hard all day to do what's expected in social and public settings and because it's mentally exhausting to do this, they come home to the people that love them the most and do things like argue, cry, yell, or act like a slug.  They do this simply because they know you love them and will give them the grace they need in these moments of intense emotion.

Parents often worry that there is something going wrong at school or worse that there is something wrong with their child when they come home and unload about the day or have big negative emotions, but that's not always the case.  Like always, there are exceptions, and I'll address them in a bit, but generally, kids need to decompress and possibly vent when they've had a long day.  Think about yourself when you've had a long day at the office or in your workplace. We all need time to decompress from the day, but it's important that we understand that kids have less developmental maturity, and their decompression can look like a trainwreck!  It can look like tears, or doors slamming, it can look like complaints about peers or teachers, it can look like "you don't know anything!" yelling matches, and it can look like perseverating on things that might otherwise seem like small problems to us adults.  

Some folks might argue that school shouldn't be this trying...that we shouldn't be forcing kids to keep their feelings bottled up inside so much so that they come home and unload on caregivers and siblings.   To some extent, I agree and that is why we are constantly working to this end - teaching kids to express their feelings and address big emotions in appropriate ways at school.  But regardless, they know - because you've taught them well - that in public and social settings we don't lash out at others - even when we feel like we want to!  We don't break down and cry at every turn, and we don't stomp away and slam doors when things don't go our way.  You and your child's teachers and supportive caregivers have taught kids these skills over their first 10-12 years of life by modeling and scaffolding, and now in middle school, they are really working to put them into practice.  They are learning to manage emotions in calm in respectful ways.  This takes lots of mental energy for teens!  Often, kids can be successful at school, but by the end of the day, they are toast and have a hard time holding it together at home.  

When your child uses the home front to vent and unload, instead of seeing this as a problem to be corrected, take it as a sign that they trust you and feel loved and protected by you.  In these moments, they need your support and nurturing.  They don't often need you to "fix" things.  Sometimes they just need you to be there.  Sometimes they just need you to listen.  Sometimes they just need you to say, "wow!  It seems like it was a long day.  I'm sorry you are feeling so exhausted."  Sometimes they just need food, or a hug, or some reassurance that they are okay and that they are safe.  

When you listen, and as you observe your child in this afterschool hour, pay attention to themes over time.  Ask open-ended questions like, "how did that make you feel?" or "what could you do differently next time?"  or  "who do you think could support you with that problem?"  This approach will help you determine the intensity of your child's needs.  If you notice larger problems or suspect bullying, harassment, or academic challenges that go beyond the norm, (some challenge is to be expected and is the norm) reach out to teachers and school counselors for support.  Signs that should alert you to bigger problems are big shifts in peer groups, declining grades, loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities, inability to sleep or inability to wake in the morning, unexpected weight loss, or mood changes that persist over time and are intense in nature.  When you see one or more of these in combination, you can reach out to both school personnel and your child's physician for more resources  

If your kid comes home and is experiencing the normal ups and downs of being a teenager - brief moody periods, rapid and seemingly ever-changing emotions, solvable peer challenges, indecision, and small academic challenges, know that your kiddo is likely just experiencing some after-school restraint collapse.  So how do you handle it?  What can you do to lessen the blow for them (and you!).  

Here are some guidelines:

• Resist asking questions.  The moment they walk in the door or get in the car is not the time to pepper them with questions about their day.  
• Feed them!  Healthy snacks with protein, vitamins, and minerals are great.  Try cheeses, nuts, crunchy veggies, peanut butter, cold cuts, and fruit.  
• Water them!  Kids forget to drink water during the day, and when they are dehydrated they aren't at their best.  Make sure they have plenty of water and try to discourage sugary drinks like soda and juice.  
• Get out in nature.  Take a walk or bike ride with your kiddo, or sit on the front porch and look at the sky or listen to the birds.  Fresh air is good for the soul!
• Give them time.  Let them decompress in quiet spaces with some music or a good book or a favorite TV show.
• Disconnect.  Encourage kids to disconnect from social media, as oftentimes this keeps the social problems of the day in the spotlight.  (And keep the devices out of their rooms at night.  Everyone will sleep better knowing that cell phones and tablets are charging outside of the bedroom).   
• Reflect.  When they are ready, ask those open-ended questions. Keep it simple, let them lead the way, and resist jumping in to fix things. 
• Create predictable routines.  Your kids should know - to an extent - what to expect when they get home.  (Snack, exercise/sports practice, homework, dinner, calm down routine, and lights out at an appropriate time).
• Help them get to sleep at a respectable time.  Teens tend to want to say up later...this is part of their natural rhythm and the reason we've delayed the start to our school day, but staying up until 11 or beyond is too late.  Help them get into bed by nine, even if they read in bed for a period of time.  This helps their bodies get ready for sleep by a reasonable hour.  

As always, if you have concerns that go beyond the normal, or you just want to discuss what the normal looks like, feel free to reach out.  Middle school is such a huge period of brain development for kids and it is a time where they need continued support and scaffolding from caregivers, but they also need to learn to individuate or separate from parents and start forming their own ideas about the world.  The trick is to balance these two needs together.  It's not going to look pretty all the time, but it is the process of growing up and of helping your kids to gain wings as successful future adults.  Good luck, we're here to support you!