Sleep Struggles

Struggling to Sleep

(Originally Written and Published 4/8/16)

Parents - can you think back to a time in your life when you felt sleep deprived?  Maybe it was in college, when being social was more important than being rested.  Maybe is was in the early months after the birth of your child, when you were barely functioning between feedings, diaper changes, and finding time to groom yourself!  Maybe you’ve worked the late shift, the graveyard shift, or the night shift and have struggled to manage work, sleep, and daytime family obligations.  Maybe you’ve simply suffered from some sort of insomnia and have difficulty falling and staying asleep.  

We know that these times are brutal - the mental exhaustion, the worry, the physical and emotional pain.  As adults, with fully functioning brains, we recognize the insanity and work to find solutions as quickly as we can.  Now imagine that you are a teen or pre-teen, whose brain is still developing, and you are trying to function in school, navigate social and interpersonal relationships, build self-esteem and self-worth, and you are doing it all in a severely sleep deprived state.  This equation just doesn’t add up to healthy day-to-day functioning.    

In the last decade I have worked in a variety of capacities with teens and pre-teens.  In my work as a school counselor I have seen a correlation between the amount of teens with one or more devices at their finger -tips, and the amount of teens who are suffering from behavior challenges, overwhelming feelings of sadness, bouts of anxiety, and a sharp drop in self-esteem or self-worth.  These are correlated, but is there a cause and effect relationship?  Does the rise in the use of devices and social media relate to the increase in mental and emotional distress?  I believe it does, but how?  

I have many theories - lack of real personal connection to those we care about, a skewed sense of what is real and what is “airbrushed,” and bravado - a willingness to post things that we would never say or do in person.  Recently, however, I have given more thought to the idea that simple lack of sleep may be the most prominent factor that prevents teens from being able to think critically while in school and in their social lives both on and off line.  

With our 5th and 6th graders poised to leave on a three night field trip, where they will not be allowed to have their phones and tablets, I am reminded of just how many kids are intensely attached to their devices, not just during the day, but throughout the night as well.  Though most are excited about the trip, many are also feeling discouraged that they won’t have constant access to social media and the internet.  (I had to remind them that they’ll have access to social interactions all night long while they are there, but that it will just be in the form of good old-fashioned personal connections).  Many kids are used to falling asleep with their technology and are routinely awakened by repeated messaging alerts.    

Students often share with me stories of how they stay up late into the night texting with multiple “friends,” and that they just can’t resist picking up that phone when an alert sounds.  When I suggest that they put their phones away outside of their rooms prior to bedtime, most are horrified at the thought.  Those who do so because of standing house rules often hold their parents in contempt for the decision - partially because they have a FOMO - “Fear Of Missing Out”, and partially because they have not created healthy routines around sleep and technology use.   As a result, some of our kids are waking up tired and sleep deprived which inhibits their ability to be successful contributors during the school day.

Research supports the idea that sleep deprivation can lead to a number of mood issues in teens.  “Being groggy can lead to behaviors that may be mistakenly attributed to or exacerbate existing learning disorders, like ADHD, or mental health problems, and depression.”  (Aspen Education Group)  When our kids come to school sleep deprived, they have difficulty focusing in class, and they sometimes fall asleep or act out.  They can also experience depressive type symptoms or feelings of anxiety.  They have difficulty processing events of the day, and can turn inward, feeling like a failure or feeling like  they don’t “measure up” as compared to their peers.  

So what do we do?  Cell phones and devices are a part of life today.  They aren’t going away.  What we need to do is help kids learn appropriate ways to use the technology.  This starts with us.  Are we modeling good practices around cell phone use?  As a family, try to come up with guidelines that everyone in the house can abide by.  For example, no phones at the dinner table and no phones in the bedroom.  Ideally, devices should be turned off at least one hour prior to sleep time.  A bright computer screen can affect the biological rhythms that govern sleep.  A study in the Journal of Applied Physiology suggests that, “performing ‘exciting’ computer tasks such as playing a video game, may suppress the production of melatonin, the so-called ‘sleep hormone.’” (Aspen Education Group).  Remember the old adage parents, “do as I do, not as I say.”  You should follow these guidelines as well.   

We should also be helping kids create bedtime routines similar to those you practiced with them when they were babies.  Have them take a relaxing shower (saves time in the morning - which is a win win!), spend some time preparing for the day to come by packing bags, laying out clothes, and going over the anticipated after school schedule, commit to reading (the old fashion way) for at least 20 minutes.  This helps relax the brain, getting it ready for sleep, and will also pay dividends in their school success.  You could also spend quiet time connecting as a family.  Talk about the highs and lows of the day or things you are feeling thankful for.  In otherwards, help create a transition period that is relaxing and restful.  

The other important factor is that we need, as parents, not to abdicate our responsibilities where the Internet is concerned.  We wouldn’t let our 11, 12, 13 or 14 year old navigate a big unfamiliar city alone late at night, so why would we allow them to have free run in “Internet City”?  You are not invading their privacy, you are being their parent, and have a right and obligation to help them be responsible in this environment.  If they are resistant or afraid to share their devices with you, you can bet their content is questionable.  

Remember that it is our job to scrutinize what our kids are doing on their cell phones and devices.  Don’t just assume that your kids are okay while they are on social networking sites.  Do what you need to do to be a visible presence in your child’s online life.  “Friend” them, know their passwords, insist that they hand over their phones periodically so that you can review the language and content of their messaging sites, and photos.  Talk with them about how to handle various scenarios, role play examples of what to do if a friend messages them saying they are anxious, depressed, or suicidal.  Remind your teens of the absolute importance of sleep - 8 to 10 hours per night is necessary for proper daytime functioning.  It is one of the biggest factors, along with proper diet and exercise, in keeping our bodies functioning well both physically and mentally.    

Kids often don’t want to talk to their parents about these sensitive issues, because they are afraid their parents will get mad.  Have conversations early and often (before someone in your family is in crisis mode) about these topics.  Remind them that you will be there to coach and guide them no matter the issue, and that their safety, and the safety of their peers, depends on all of us working together to support kids in our community.  Suggest that, while you may be disappointed if their online actions and phone usage don’t meet your expectations, you will try to stay calm, and talk with them to come up with workable solutions to their social media challenges.

For parents and teens, the challenges of the day are long, and the temptation not to fight the battles around phone usage and sleep is great.  But as the saying goes, ‘an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure’.  If we put in the effort early and often, we will all reap the benefits when we see happier, healthier, and more well-rested teens walking out of your homes and through our doors each morning!